Relationships are a major consideration in people’s lives, & are the area most frequently inquired about. Such as what is the current situation? Our own patterns which tend to repeat in our relationships? Specific events from the past? Over view for the Future?
Relationships are complex at the best of times. This process starts from the time we are conceived, as we begin to build up an impression from the mother & the people & environment around her which lays the foundations for what is ahead. This includes the Mothers mental & emotional attitudes & experiences as well as physical health previous to & during the pregnancy. However The Prime Relationship is the one we have with ourselves.
We, as Spirit or Higher Self & our Guides or helpers, have previously decided upon the most purposeful physical expression of the Life Force to occupy for this incarnation, & so the country is chosen, also when humanity is at a level of development which we can benefit from being involved in. Then comes the personal choice of parents, & there may be several possibilities before the final selection is made. When the Planets are suitably placed for our conception we go to the relevant parents, hopefully this should be from a Love union, which makes the transition from Spirit into matter easier. The Love balm is soothing & comforting for the new personality & physical body to manifest in, which is done with the assistance of an Elemental who supervises the construction of our body. Hence every physical body is designed exactly as it is supposed to be, to fulfil the purpose for the Spirit occupying it. Some do have special requirements & this had been taken into consideration at the start any way, so our Spirit designs our body we will later use, for experiencing the Earth Planet.
Then there is the birth process, again when the time is right, this does really benefit from natural birth process, but also applies with induced births & Caesarean section, as that Spirit can only be borne at a suitable time, we can’t blame our character defects upon the doctors! Astrologically, the Conception chart indicates the sum total achieved so far & future path. The Natal, or birth chart, shows how we are going to try to fulfil the potential from the Conception chart. Shocks either during birth or during the pregnancy can leave great holes in the Auric vibrations & scars on the personality, & should be treated by a psychic healer or some therapist who detects early shock . This is quite apart from previous lives undealt with trauma, when regression will often help.
Our first relationships are with the people closest to us, parents or not as the case may be. This contact forms our early patterns, which our subsequent adult relationships will take. These patterns need to be recognised. We can turn away from these automatic patterns, which are the result of our experiences up to about 7 years old. It is the environment & early conditioning, which we grow up in which, that is important, as this is where we feel comfortable, & is after all home.
So these experiences may have been heavy, by adult standards, but they are natural to the child experiencing them, so are not questioned, until later on that is. Similarly if the child experiences an idealistic childhood, then this becomes norm, & so relationships in adult life may become inferior.
The grown up child can either follow the example of parents, or flip the coin on to the other side & take the exact opposite standpoint until the balanced point in the centre is found & maintained. We can either become or marry what parents were, or the opposite. Because we try to balance the little person which we all are with in us, the Child With in, we are attracted to the opposite parent pattern.
Generally women are attracted to the negative qualities of the Father, & men attracted to the negative qualities of the Mother. This is unconsciously motivated & normally we are unaware of this happening, until that is we start to take control of our selves & our automatic attractions. Then we no longer need to attract certain types of people to us, because we have recognised this unconscious pull, & consciously decide to let the past patterns go, create our own new ones & so we are free to allow positive productive relationships to come in to our lives. Opposites are just 2 sides of the coin, so we need to balance opposites experienced in our early years, this may require us to move away from the opposites a bit, try a 60’ angle. Or even 120’ angle, by taking a 90’ angle, we are still encountering blockages. It is with gentle adjustment & harmony that we reach positive results.
We need to accept that parents are as human as we are; none of us are perfect, if we were we wouldn’t be here. This is not a ticket to fantasy land e.g. “& they lived happily ever after,” but it is a passport to starting to take personal responsibility for our own happiness & recognising that love means caring about, not fearing a partner. We can not experience love & fear for a person at the same time. Fear is a projection of the need for love. Love transforms fear into nothing. Love knows no fear.
Mutual trust can be built up, challenges can be met & dealt with not hidden or put off hoping they will dissolve. It is all to do with how we see our selves. We have to love = care deeply about our selves. Excepting all our qualities positive & negative ones equally. Knowing our strengths & weaknesses so that we can work gently on these to bring them into balance. From a balanced point we can start to accept a partner for what they really are. Not what we want them to be, either consciously or unconsciously. It is the old saying “Know thyself.” Laughter & the ability to see the funny side of our challenges makes the whole process more easy to deal with.
So much for the background, when we do become aware of difficulties in our relationships, then as adults we have to take the personal responsibility of altering our patterns consciously. The first step is to recognise what our personal patterns are. The track record is where to look, with all significant relationships ever experienced, parents or others who may have been close to us form the central core to this exercise. The way, in our mind, we saw parents inter relate, & how they behaved with us. This can be done like running a film backwards, where we deal with the most resent first. Or the exact opposite, starting with as far back as we can actually recall, not what we have been told, & then bring it up to date.
This can take as long as is necessary & there may be stages to buzz through quickly, & others where we want to reflect slowly. The idea is to jot down the patterns, e.g., beginning stage usually this polite & we are on our best behaviour trying to create a good impression on the other person. What have been the ideals, & what were the goals, where was the relationship heading for us at that time?
The next stage is how the relationship develops, the actual patterns, the home truths, did we maintain the best behaviour? If so then how long for, how close to the dream ideal did the relationship reach? Were we disillusioned as we got to know the partner better? What went on behind the facade, a self honest appraisal, non critical, just observing at this stage, our behaviour & how we saw the partner then. That is our interpretation of their actions. Any thing else which occurs to you about the over all details of the experience, such as communications?
Then the final results, some times the hardest bit to face, how did it end up, who finished it, or was it fete, how was this result reached, amicably or were battle lines drawn up? What were your feelings emotions & rational thoughts about it at the time? Were you pleased with your performance, & what of that ex partner?
After reviewing your experiences normally you will be able to pick up a thread or similar pattern running through them. This will be a starting point as to areas you need to work with. This means to try to consciously understand, & then be able to change your patterns where you want to, at least you can try a different approach or tactic. It is important to retain whatever pattern works well for you however.
Serious consideration needs to be given to the parental experiences. Start with assessing how you viewed parents, was one a goodie & one a baddie? This is very common. How did they integrate & express feelings emotions & communications between them selves & individually with you? Especially consider communications, as this is the most important area, interpretation being so subjective. Were you able to understand them, did you feel they understood you? Were you able & confident to say what you really thought, or what they wanted to hear, suppressing or adapting your communications so that truth was distorted? Did you trust them sufficiently to be able to say any thing to them?
Did you forgive them when they were human & took a negative course of action, or did you repress indignation & adopt a posture of equal negativity e.g. guilt? Even if you were in the right. Being sorry is all that is needed, never guilty, which is self indulgence & is a cop out for not accepting full responsibility for our thoughts & actions.
Perspective comes into this child parent thing, as little people we often do not see things as big people do, & what seemed unfair or hard to fathom out when we are little, becomes very understandable & plausible when we become big people, & we often do the same thing our selves! Another consideration should be the generation changes, look at how things like music is loved/hated with in families.
Again The Prime Relationship is the one we have with our selves. When we accept our selves for what we truly are, others will too. Look back over a week, did you treat your self as if you were some one to trust, cherish & take care of, like your best friend? If not then you need to think again on value of self esteem, as you have to be functioning efficiently in order that others can benefit as well.
The buck stops in us. We should never blame others for our inadequacies or failings. Others may be the reason why we are a certain way, but it is our choice to continue to behave in that manner. If people consistently tell us we are this or that, then pretty soon, as energy follows thought, we really start doing this or that, just as they had suggested! Nobody else is responsible for our actions. We choose to let them effect us. Lack of self-esteem & confidence again. Self-pity is a substitute for self-love, so swap the coin round. All of this can be altered, once we recognise our patterns & then decide to alter them. If we take 2 minutes to decide we have taken 2 minutes too long! If we decide to allow our selves to love our selves, then it should be instant. If we pause we are expressing doubt, insecurity & a lack of belief in our selves. This rolls on to lack of faith & belief in the Original Creator Designer of the human race.
We never make any mistakes. Never make a wrong choice in a partnership. We get what we need at that time. These needs change as we become more aware. So we tend to move on. May be with the same partner, when both are adaptable enough to maintain the pace of individual growth. As each one of us develops at their own pace. In a relationship we get what we unconsciously want. Which is not always what we think we require.
Often people say that the partner turned out differently to how they were at first. How well did we know the person at first? Also how well did we know our selves at that time? It only takes one person to change for the whole partnership to change. It is a fallacy to think we can’t do any thing until the partner changes, another excuse & procrastination. When we are really comfortable with all of our qualities & do not hide any bits from our selves. When we have acknowledged our weaknesses & are beginning to change them into strengths, which work for us. Then we can be in any partnership & it doesn’t matter, as we are so centred that we can still be at peace with in our selves & be in a relationship, even if it is a severely challenging one.
“Honey when you’ve got it right any old partner will do!”
There are many ways to recognise our patterns, & Astrology is a very good one, & also to help us to understand our selves & our partners. It is not the only one.
Some suggestions on improving relationships with people generally, not only our intimate ones.
- Give as clear communications as possible.
- Mean what we say the first time, like telling a child loads of times to do some things is showing that child we do not really mean what we say, & next time it may be when a bus is coming along!
- Try not to take things personally, at least not at first, the other person may be having a hard time, so give them the benefit of the doubt before jumping into attack mode.
We are weak in areas where we mind what other people say about us. It is like trying to convert people to the latest fad we have picked up, it re-establishes our doubts. At the start of a relationship it is easier to set clear boundaries, what is acceptable & what is not. Other wise often, though being polite, we condemn our selves to years of some purgatory, not saying any thing in case it up sets the partner!
Try not to let this sort of thing build up, we need to be free to change our minds, & not become stuck in a mould, against our wishes. It is much better for the relationship to come out in the open with what you really think, just do it as kindly as possible. We can share others challenges sympathetic. We do not have to take these on board. If one is down & heavy, then the other one needs to work extra hard to be light.
Becoming aware of our automatic reactions & deliberate responses, can be very useful. Some enlightenment can be gained from our instinctive reactions, as to what our unconscious is dealing with. Clear Communications is the main tool in sorting out relationships, & to agree to differ is healthy.
Remember that we put in these automatic patterns in the first place, which are the results of experiences of life from the birth time. Also Karmic patterns too. Things like withdrawing into our selves, or justifying something forcibly, anger etc. are automatic reactions. We need to deal with the emotion, punch a cushion, yell & scream, jump up & down, or something to release the tension if you possibly can. Then sort out the person or situation which was only the catalyst. Never deal with it when angry. As this means we have lost before we even begin. Dramatise anger if you want to, but don’t experience the emotion if you need to get positive results, which enable you to move forward.
Deliberate responses are deciding to do or say some thing. We being perfectly in control of us. We are not weakened by an other person pushing our buttons. We are free to choose what emotional expression to express at the time.
Confusion is the result of not wanting to accept responsibility for making choices. Cause makes effects. Energy starts the ball rolling. We need to control & direct our energy in ways in which we want it to return, e.g. Physical, Mental, Emotional & Spiritual.
If we are in a situation where we feel threatened, either verbally or physically, we need to maintain our centre even more convincingly. We need to set very clear boundaries & to project our selves by stating clearly exactly what we think or feel about the situation.
Stand up for what is right or what ever we believe in, straighten up, stand tall & firm, do not weaken body language, do not adopt a submissive attitude. We can not be a victim unless we agree to being victim within our selves.
Believe in our selves, inner confidence. Some times, abusive behaviour from other people, can be because we did not deal with it in a balanced way last time. It reappears again to give us another chance. We can not always just escape from some things, which we should stand & face.
It is possible, that in the past we chose to give in, rather than being firm & clear. It was easier to give in at the time. Because of this pattern, we feel guilty, about the discomfort we felt, by not being positive. Either we felt we had let our selves down, or we are embarrassed about the situation. This is like having to submit to some thing we do not agree with. Instead of using our strength of will to show our true colours & intentions. So we need to hold our ground & be polite, we do not have to agree with what ever it is, but we do need to handle the situation deliberately & honestly, with as much charm as we can muster.
In our own minds it is possible to arrive at positive conclusions about situations which may still gaul us. We have to consider the situation from all sides. Especially putting our selves in the other persons shoes. Then we have to internally resolve the conflict. This can take time & demands loads of patience & understanding of our selves & others. However it is well worth while doing. We do not have to sort out all the people, we have ever had agro with on the physical level. We need only to use our minds, to do this successfully, & this is a wonderful release very often.
We have to balance or heal our selves. No one else can do it for us. They can only help us to see what is out of balance with in us. We can not please every one, all the time so don’t try, as this lowers our own vitality & can disrupt our own time or space. We need to learn to say NO in an acceptable & creative way. This is some thing we should practice to perfection. “ Why Honey I believe not.” “It is not acceptable to speak to me in this manner.”
Often we say things like, I need you, well this is sure ingredients for trouble! It is immature & implies lack of confidence in our selves, on what ever level it is directed, Physical, Mental, Emotional or Spiritual. As these sort of relationships often collapse like a house of cards as they do not have firm foundations.
We all use each other up to a point, & this should be built into the balance of the relationship, like one partner being more capable at one thing than the other, this is co-operation not leaning on.
Positive relationships are those where challenges are acknowledged & understood as much as possible, & the partners are prepared to try to reach a positive conclusion, because the relationship is worth the effort we put in to it.
When we keep encountering certain challenges, then we have not dealt with them fully. Fear has to be considered as this is like a magnetic attraction & makes the thing we fear grow out of all proportion. Respect & discretion are healthy, but fear is Soul destroying. A betrayal is very hard when it actually happens. Every time we think about it after that moment, we are being self-indulgent & rubbing salt into our wound. This is investing negatively into a negative situation so it spirals down. Until we hit rock bottom, & start to climb back up again. Negative thoughts & emotions are like glue. They tend to become stuck so making it even harder to shift. They get more intense & enmesh us, so prevention is better than cure. Try not to get into a negative rut in the first place. On a deeper level, it could be thought of, that we set ourselves up for a betrayal, because it is something our Soul has decided we need to experience in this incarnation. So unconsciously we are attracted to a person who will fulfil our unconscious needs & betray us.
It is hard to let go of pain & resentment, but it is a lot harder & more painful not too. Some times we go through horrendous traumatic experiences, but the sadness or what ever does end in time. It has to, as nothing is forever. Pain is real at the time, & the cause may well relate to out side circumstances, but we sustain the hurt, which is then self-inflicted. There is never a pain or hurt which can not be over come. We have to get in touch with our deep inner feelings & face them, accept them & then release them. By letting the negative feeling go we re-establish our selves & our own power. We have to establish a new set of priorities & value of self esteem. Being more in tune with our own true needs. Not those requiring the other persons presence, if they are not able to oblige. We can not force or manipulate someone do go against their free will & choices. Pain is often the result of us not accepting others as they really are, but only as we want them to be. So again this is self-inflicted. We need to stand back from the experience & see the part we played in it, what we learnt from it, we can then grow & move forward from it, healed. We definitely grow through these painful experiences, but surely it is easier in the first place to recognise that the other person had a great determination to do what ever it was that up set us so greatly.
If we really love some one then this means loving them where ever they are & doing what ever they have to, even if it is with out us, because their happiness is more important to us. It is not loving them so long as it suits us. The only real betrayal is when we allow someone else, or a situation, to separate us from our inner self, which understands all things. Some times it is best to let go & release the person, & this often works far better than trying to hold on to or restrict another. It is by releasing, really meaning it not just saying it, that we very often achieve in the end, the results we wanted. As we have freed our selves & the other person from possessiveness, which is another form of insecurity.
Sometimes we have to end relationships & these should be done as gracefully as it is possible to do, if in anger bitterness or hatred then the relationship is not ended just postponed. As we will one day have to deal with the unfinished business, either with that person or with another. If we are full of hatred we are hurting our selves more than the person we are hating. Often after a traumatic partnership has ended we are very wary about getting involved again, but with a balanced view of our selves, liking of other people, interested in them as people, by being tolerant & honest. We can be confident that, should the need arise, we can successfully cope, with the end of a relationship. When we project Love we benefit our selves & others.
Quote from Course in Miracles: “Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists.”"Based upon Elizabeth Mary Marlows work on relationships"